“If you just wake up wake up wake up wake up wake up wake up, one day you’ll forget why” – Phil Kaye
It is so easy to slip into habit, to forget to hold onto the strings of intention that connect the multitude of thoughts within myself. Sliding from one word, one step, one day to the next next next next next. With uncertainty looming in the future, an anxious desire to prove myself becomes intertwined with a perfectionist tendency for unrealistic comparisons. My attention catches onto thoughts, actions and achievements, combining discrete elements of personalities into an unattainable ideal.
There are times, when I don’t step back to connect my thoughts to reality, to place pen to paper, to match letters with thoughts, that my words subtly change, molding around those of others – a subconscious attempt to emulate a perceived reality. The meaning separates from the movement of tongue to teeth until I hold the words in my mouth, no longer recognizing the shapes. The curves and angles of each letter appear foreign, twisting in directions that do not match the thoughts in my mind.
It is in this moment that I realize that somewhere, along the way, I drifted too far from my own self. That I am caught in a current that is headed in an entirely different direction, the compass point spinning far from true north. It is the moment where I realize that I forgot how to love myself in all entirety. That I have become caught up in the eyes watching and let my words slip out all too softly and quickly. Forgetting the conviction that used to hold them to the ground.
However, through all of this, “the point isn’t to live without any regrets. The point is to not hate ourselves for having them.” The point is to move beyond the overwhelming cloud of emotion that regret evokes, and see a clearer memory of the past. While there is immense vulnerability in the recognition of regret, and fear in knowing that not all of my decisions have led me to places where I wanted to stay, seeing the moments altogether, with the struggles and moments of clarity, means that I wake up wake up wake up wake up wake up wake up and remember why.
-quote by Kathryn Schulz